Can I really be real with you today? I hope you don’t mind if I take my Christian SuperMom hat off and bury my face in my hands for a few minutes. It’s one of these days. Would you be willing to sit with me for a moment as I share a bit of my heart?
I’m having one of those days. No – one of those weeks. I know I’m not alone in this. I know you’ve had them too.
I’ve been crying a lot lately. Not where anyone can see. Only God knows the tears I’m shedding. And this morning as I curled up on the couch to spend time with God in prayer, He saw my tears again. And He heard my thoughts. And I’m sure He held my heart.
I had my prayer journal nearby, yet I couldn’t find the words to even begin praying. My spirit feels so broken and tired lately. I feel so discouraged. So lost for answers. So lost for direction. Instead of praying, I just sat there – numb. I tried to listen for God. I know He was there. But I heard nothing, which only made me feel that much worse. This was so unlike my feelings over Christmas and New Year!
And how about you? Do you think of yourself as flawless, as beautiful? As a precious gem that should be treasured? There are times that I struggle a bit with this. I am not so sure if I ever felt really beautiful. When I grew up, I disliked my freckles and my red hair. Childishly, I thought that in our school, I was the single one child that had freckles and red hair and my classmates often called me carrot top! What a horror! But isn’t it true that we all are beautiful and precious gems? Okay, now back to my religious beliefs.
That was then but do you know what I’m experiencing today? Have you been there too? A difficult storm in life just doesn’t seem to be passing and you start to lose hope that it ever will. You wonder.. “is this really God’s plan for me? What happened to God knowing the future and having plans to prosper me? He is all-powerful and can make the sun shine again in my life and be more social just by speaking the words, so why hasn’t He done so?” And then comes the guilt…
I sat there with my hand on my Bible looking around me. Pictures of my children on the walls, all smiles and healthy. A roof over my head. Warm, cozy slippers on my feet. The sound of my husband’s happy snore drifting down the stairs from our bedroom.
I could go on and on about the blessings in my life for our family traditions and goal planning. The absolute gifts from God. Yet I feel so down. Dare I say, I’ve lost hope…possibly even my faith? Yes, I know. Just typing those words made me cringe too. Maybe I’m just hormonal this week. Or maybe my emotions are a sign of my real human weakness. Anyways, a few months from now, summer vacation will be here for the kids so I’ll focus on that to keep busy.
Here I am, preparing to run my very first half-marathon in just a few days (to take a stand against the enemy, proving he has no power over my life and that God will always bring victory) and yet I am emotionally and spiritually spent. To add to the challenge, the weather forecast for Saturday indicates I have a high likelihood of running this 13-mile test of faith in the cold RAIN.
I need to spend more time nurturing my spirit, learn to unplug, and being still before the Lord. That much I know for sure. What I haven’t figured out is where? When? How? I almost feel like I need an entire day of immersing myself in worship music, heartfelt on-my-knees spoken aloud prayer, and reading about the ordinary people in the Bible whose faith was tested over and over and over again, and how they remained steadfast and strong. Hopefully, I will be able to share my positive thoughts with my children without forgetting that we can learn a lot from them as well.